Into the labyrinth

Am not known for remembering very well, but songs have a way of triggering my memories and oftentimes, my then emotional state, most vividly.

George Michael "Older": The 2 months of MC, post-op, that I had the utmost pleasure savouring in my darkened room, in front of the new PC. Nevermind that I couldn't feed as normal people do, and I ended up vicariously feeding by staring at other people feed - mostly him; there was always a hunger in him that made me hungry just by watching him feed; OK, I know, I'm OCD'ing about him again.

And then there's this song which I've been listening to since I got hold of Labyrinth. I used to have a major crush on David Bowie. Of course, I've been listening to this song even more so lately...To think I reached back almost 2 decades ago for the song. Man, am I old or what...

As The World Falls Down (David Bowie)

Source

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gonst
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Falling in love (love)
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

Mercury Opposition Chiron

Astrodienst reading:
"Uncomfortable questions"
Valid during several weeks: This quality of time brings with it critical, challenging and uncomfortable questions. Are the rejections in the course of one's life, the scars on one's soul necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? Basically these questions have to do with the examination of pain and suffering within oneself or others. Everyone must carry out such an analysis, as life itself confronts us again and again with these problems. Getting a grip on old psychological wounds is just as difficult with dynamic questions as with serious reflection. If your understanding rebels against these things, this is only natural and necessary. You should ask these questions of yourself, as others could well be hurt or made unsure of themselves by them.

I feel like a monster: A monster raised from the substance of all things ill-tempered and negative and toxic. I'm a bad person, and I was a monster to the one I loved, and that is why he has stopped loving me. Who could love a monster? I've always had this at the back of my mind - but I had to first deal with the immediate impact of the break-up and infidelity, without letting myself be destroyed by the guilt and losing my sense of self-worth when I needed it most. I wished I had changed for the better before. Oh, I wish so many things, and I would have done so many more. But it's too late now, isn't it? One of the hardest realisations is that I most probably wouldn't have changed at all if things had continued on their merry way; the inevitability of it all; hurtling towards the same end even if I'd the power to turn back time; retracing the same footprints.

I don't understand why it couldn't have been him giving me an ultimatum to change, rather than keeping quiet and hoping I would change on my own. I don't understand why he couldn't have tried a different way to make me see before giving up and running into another woman's arms. I don't understand why if change can only come about if I myself wanted it and willed it, that this is then the path I have to walk to become a better person - if that indeed is the purpose of it all. I don't understand why I have to pay such a high price - losing the love of my life. Why does it have to be so hard? Is there really no other way?

- - - - - - - - - -

A friend: Is it so bad that you can't fix it?
I: I could swallow my pride about the infidelity and would do everything else there is to do, but I can't change his heart.

- - - - - - - - - -

I used to tell him that I was willing to die for him; I meant it. Why not then to suffer a broken heart, if only for his happiness - albeit in a sense, a happiness that I cannot share with him.

Akan datang. (Malay for "Coming soon".)

Coincidence or signs?

Do things happen because they just do?

Or does a greater consciousness exist beyond our mundane routines, an omniscient presence, the greater purpose that influences our individual purposes?

Are some people more atuned to the voice of this greater purpose, and therefore, more sensitive to the signs?

SF was pondering the strangeness of it all, how his name kept jumping out at her, from books to overheard telephone conversations to a friend's magazine brought back from Tokyo. And a short while later, she heard from another friend that he was back in town for a short holiday. She never did bump into him herself. A coincidence? A sign -- of what? Or had she "summoned" his name and finally his physical presence with the strength of her wanting? (Albeit not strong enough to summon him within sight.) Questions that go unanswered.

Sometimes, when life throws you too many coincidences, you can't help but wonder. If there is no greater purpose binding all that happens, and life is really a result of 6 billion human beings' individual whims and fancies, how and why do the pieces fit so well?

As you watch your life fall apart, do you stand and weep over the pieces? just walk away? pick up the pieces and then try to piece them together into the picture that you never saw before -- to unravel this intricate puzzle to reveal the greater purpose?

Perhaps, when we let ourselves believe that a greater purpose exists, it gives us hope (real or imagined), that what has happened was not a senseless accident or mere stroke of bad luck. It gives us hope that there is a meaning and purpose to it all, so that we can go on living.